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Being Bob, Act V by Nevuela Being Bob, Act V by Nevuela
Act V, Scene I

Be not afraid of greatness: some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them. ~ Twelfth Night, Act II, Scene V

Puffing out his chest with a deep breath, Bob entered Mr. Burns' office with his head held high. He was dressed to impress in his best suit and tie, having traded in the last of his Armani suits for a far cozier English brand that he'd grown up with. It was the type of suit he would have worn as mayor, had Francesca not been such an overbearing fashion tyrant. If it wasn't made in Italy, it was inferior in her eyes. Which would explain her constant attempts to "correct" his inherent British-American mannerisms. The woman had been so obsessed with maintaining a perfect image that she'd had to make everyone around her as fake as she was.

Looking around Mr. Burns' lavish office, Bob got the impression of a man hellbent on projecting a similarly intimidating image. It reminded him of his own office back in Salsiccia: it boasted of a big, powerful man, yet it was far too grandiloquent for any mortal to claim convincingly. Like Gino attempting to strut around in "Papa's" giant shoes. It just didn't fit.

On one wall hung a larger-than-life oil portrait of a bald, vulture-like man, dressed for the cold, standing proudly with a rifle atop a dead polar bear in the midst of an Arctic wasteland. Below this painting stood the actual bear, stuffed and mounted on an oak platform, teeth bared and poised to attack. On another wall hung an equally immense portrait of the same man, armed with a musket, charging alone against an entire army of Red Coats and impaling the nearest one on his bayonet.

Bob smirked. He wasn't sure whether to be amused or offended. He approached the spacious desk. If he'd thought his own desk was big, it was nothing compared to this one. The subject of the gruesome portraits sat behind it, reading a newspaper and looking not at all intimidating like the paintings would suggest. He seemed unaware that he had a visitor, even though it was now two-thirty - time for the scheduled interview.

Bob cleared his throat. Nothing. Only a faint rustling as Mr. Burns turned the page of his newspaper. Bob stepped closer and cleared his throat again, louder this time. Mr. Burns glanced over the top of his paper, then set it down. Bob was about to introduce himself when the old man pushed a button on the intercom device on his desk.

"Smithers! Get in here and water that potted palm. It sounds drier than a jolly caucus race!"*

There was a garbled reply coupled with the hiss of static, then silence. Mr. Burns stared so intensely at Bob that the normally eloquent younger man suddenly found himself tongue-tied.

"Er -"

The door opened, and in stepped a bespectacled man holding a watering can. He paused when he saw Bob. "Sir?"

"You're too late, Smithers," said Mr. Burns. "The red leaves, the yellow bark... this palm tree is obviously dead. Get rid of it!" He fluttered a hand in a shooing gesture at Bob.

"I'm here for my interview," Bob said quickly, fearing dismissal.

Mr. Burns stared at him again. He seemed to shrink in his plush leather chair. "Smithers, it's talking to me," he murmured to his assistant.

"That's not a palm tree, sir. That's your two-thirty appointment," Smithers explained.

Bob nodded and smiled. "Robert Terwilliger," he introduced himself, extending a hand across the desk. Mr. Burns glanced at the hand but did not move to shake it.

"And what makes you think you can just waltz into my office and demand a job interview?" he asked flatly.

Bob withdrew his hand as well as his smile. "The fact that I submitted a job application and was called the following day to schedule an interview for this very date and time," he answered smartly.

"Have you any experience working at a nuclear plant?"

Bob hesitated. "To be perfectly frank: no. My skills and interests revolve more around the arts - theater, opera and the like. I graduated from Yale with a bachelor's degree in classical studies and was once an active member of the Royal Shakespeare Company. Most recently I finished serving a term as mayor of a quaint but industrious little village in Italy."

Mr. Burns snorted. "Is that supposed to impress me?"

"Well -"

"Sir," Smithers interrupted. "I ran a background check, and this man has an extensive criminal record." He pulled a file from a drawer and set it on the desk. Bob glared at him but kept silent. Mr. Burns scanned the file, his furrowed brow rising higher and higher the further he read.

"Ah! Now that IS impressive! Perjury, grand larceny, terrorism... you're just the man this corporation needs!" He stood up with a grin.

"Sir! You wouldn't hire an individual with THAT kind of record?" Smithers protested. "That's completely unethical!"

"Oh, pish posh! Why, in this post-Eisenhower era, I wouldn't trust an applicant WITHOUT a criminal record!" Mr. Burns walked around his desk and laid a hand on Bob's shoulder. "Smithers, I want you to set this felonious fellow up in some sort of supervisory position, posthaste! And slap a nice title on it. A little razzle to dazzle the other employees."

Smithers smirked. "Super-duper-visor it is, then."

Bob grinned. This was even easier than he'd thought. "Mr. Burns, I cannot even begin to express my gratitude in a proper fashion, short of kissing your feet."

"And you'll do no such thing, so long as you're the senior executive supervisor of Sector Seven! With that lofty position you'll enjoy the perks of having subordinates bestow kisses on YOUR colossal feet!"

Smithers raised a brow. "How much morphine have you had today, sir?"

Mr. Burns smiled and shrugged. "Oh, not much. Just enough to turn a charging rhino into a prancing poodle." He turned to Bob again. "Say, do you know another way to stop a rhinoceros from charging?"

"Take away his credit cards?" Smithers grumbled, but Mr. Burns ignored him.

Bob thought for a moment. "Bribery? Blackmail? Extortion?"

Mr. Burns nodded. "I like the way you think, Mr. Terwilliger. Welcome aboard!"

Bob mirrored his evil grin and steepled fingers. "Excellent," both men said in unison.


ACT VI: [link]
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*Reference to a line from "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" by Lewis Carroll
Add a Comment:
 
:iconkenedy421:
kenedy421 Featured By Owner Jul 27, 2015  New Deviant Hobbyist Artist
Lots of evil laughter
Reply
:icondrrichoften:
DrRichoften Featured By Owner Apr 4, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
Two minds think alike.. Muhahhahaha!!
Reply
:icondisturbeddragon2000:
DisturbedDragon2000 Featured By Owner Mar 1, 2015  Student General Artist
hehehehe excellent
Reply
:iconnevuela:
Nevuela Featured By Owner Mar 2, 2015
:iconburnsexcellentplz: Excellent indeed! :evillaugh:
Reply
:iconxxholyxhellfirexx:
XXHolyXHellfireXX Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
you know, people pcked on Envy (fma) for looking like a palm tree, but that's honestly nothing compared to Bob, plus... I think  Smithers may have a tiny jealousy bug. Either way, I'm new to the episodes but not new to the Simpsons, just wanted to say that, but hilarious dialogue.
Reply
:iconfedechiccaaa:
fedechiccaaa Featured By Owner Jun 3, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
"this palm tree is obviously dead"
"Smithers, it's talking to me"

:rofl:
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:iconnevuela:
Nevuela Featured By Owner Jun 4, 2013
:iconhurrhurrplz: Hehehehe, couldn't resist a good palm tree joke. :D
Reply
:iconws235:
ws235 Featured By Owner Apr 2, 2013
This story is better than any current writer of The Simpsons could pull off.
Reply
:iconnevuela:
Nevuela Featured By Owner Apr 5, 2013
Awww, shucks! :flirty: Thank you very much!
Reply
:iconkuroda-fangirl:
kuroda-fangirl Featured By Owner Mar 18, 2013
Burns and Bob love the art, some what reminds me of the episode Sideshow Bob Roberts, lol probably because Burns endorses Bob. I would love to see more shows between those two.

Anyway story was good, I laughed about the palm tree part. Sounds like classic Burns the three in this chapter are my favorite characters (well ok Bart and Lisa too) so yeah I did enjoy this chapter.
Reply
:iconnevuela:
Nevuela Featured By Owner Mar 18, 2013
:iconburnsexcellentplz: Excellent! :D :D :D

And thanks for another review!
Reply
:iconacompanyofswans:
ACompanyofSwans Featured By Owner Aug 2, 2012
Love how nervous Smithers looks in the picture - I'd be a bit freaked out too!

I was looking forward to Mr Burns making his first appearance, and it was what I hoped it would be - he and Bob seem like they could click. I sort of wish they'd had more screentime in that episode where Bob becomes Mayor of Springfield...but anyways, Burns and Smithers were totally in character, you even have all Burn's little verbal tics down part (e.g. "pish posh, in this post-Eisenhower era..."). Loved how Bob notes that Mr Burns tries to come across as intimidating when at the end of the day, he's just a skinny little old man, as well as the whole bit where Monty thinks he's a palm tree - yet again, it's just all very Simpsons, but it's also creative and fresh, and I love it! Also, got a kick out of the "jolly caucus race" part!

...sorry this review ain't that long, it's just because it seems like a slightly shorter chapter than usual, but as ever, everything's total quality so...
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:iconnevuela:
Nevuela Featured By Owner Aug 4, 2012
Mr. Burns proved to be yet another fun character to write. Wasn't sure how to handle Smithers, other than to have him act as the timid little angel on Burns' shoulder who's scarcely heard over the devil on the other shoulder. :D

Mr. Burns has to be in my top 10 favorite Simpsons characters. At least when he's not being too evil. He's just so adorably funny when he's in one of his pleasant "naive and harmless old man" moods. ^__^
Reply
:iconacompanyofswans:
ACompanyofSwans Featured By Owner Aug 4, 2012
Smithers was perfectly in character, love the idea of him as the oft-ignored angel on Burns' shoulder!

He and Smithers are favourites of mine (again, I have a thing for the hapless life partner). I like when we see a little softness or childishness from him, like when he meets his son or makes friends with Lisa. I love this ruthless villain fighting this little pussycat of an old man all in one body!
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:iconnevuela:
Nevuela Featured By Owner Aug 4, 2012
Hehehehe. ^_____^
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:iconjeana1:
jeana1 Featured By Owner Jul 31, 2012
"Excellent."
I love Sideshow Bob!
Reply
:iconnevuela:
Nevuela Featured By Owner Jul 31, 2012
I think you mean :iconburnsexcellentplz: Excellent! :D

LOL me too! :iconglompsomethingplz::iconsideshowbobrapeplz:
Reply
:iconedselman58:
EdselMan58 Featured By Owner Jun 30, 2012
The looks on Smir=ther's face says, "I don't wanna be here..."
Reply
:iconthegreatallie:
TheGreatAllie Featured By Owner May 28, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Bob and Burns. The world is not prepared.

Burns mistaking Bob for a palm tree makes it look like the interview isn't going to go well at all (also it's hilarious, but y'all already knew that XD) Lucky for Bob Burns has a different version of "qualified." No surprises there.

This is a great turnaround for Bob. After four acts of misery, it's finally time for him to start getting his life back on track.

One question, though: Canonically, Bob went to Italy after failing to kill Bart in "The Great Louse Detective," when he was temporarily let out of jail. So shouldn't he still be wanted on escape? That's the only thing Act I didn't explain away. Although they didn't explicitly state it, only heavily implied it. Implied, or implode?

I love how you don't waste descriptions on things we alredy know, rather you find a way to describe them that you can't get from a visual medium. Burns's office, for example. The cartoon can show us it's extravagence. But a fanfic can show us Bob's reaction to that, and what he interprets in it.
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:iconnevuela:
Nevuela Featured By Owner May 28, 2012
Implode is the opposite of explode. And implied is the opposite of explied. LOL just kidding. Implied is correct. :D

Actually, "The Great Louse Detective" ends on an uncertain note. Bob must have still been staying with the Simpsons at the end, because he still has that shock bracelet on his leg. If he'd been taken back to prison, it would have been removed. And when he jumps out Bart's window, he's about to walk away, but then he gets shocked repeatedly by those birds pecking the shock remote that landed in their nest. So I reasoned that he was taken back to prison right after that, and didn't actually escape.

Aside from that, we also have the vastly ridiculous ineptitude of Springfield's police force to thank for Bob being able to slip through the cracks and loopholes and pretty much live right under their noses unbothered.

And thank you for noticing what we already notice yet don't notice! :D
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:iconthegreatallie:
TheGreatAllie Featured By Owner May 29, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
My train of thought was that the police tranqued him to take him back to prison, but it didn't quite take and he escaped en route to come back and dish out revenge. Since he didn't get back they didn't take the shock thing off, and no one had picked up/returned the shock button. But it could have gone any number of ways.

And I have a feeling that if he were to pass any of Springfield's police officers they wouldn't notice or recognize him. Or that it would just be too much work to take him to jail, and their jail is overcrowded, so as long as he isn't doing anything why bother.
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:iconnevuela:
Nevuela Featured By Owner May 29, 2012
That's a good possibility too. I'd figured that the cops are just trigger happy and enjoy taking someone down regardless of the reason. Nothing like taking down a guy on stilts, after all. They fall twice as far. :D

The show is so crammed full of loopholes and contradictory BS that I don't know what to follow anymore. They've pegged Marge's birthday in at least three different months: March, May and October.

WHY is it so hard to keep facts straight? Are the writer's THAT lazy in checking out what they've already established, or do they really think we viewers aren't bright enough to notice? :tears:
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:iconohthisjelly:
ohthisjelly Featured By Owner May 12, 2012
YEAAAAH HAHA funny chapter!! ahhhh i love finally seeing two such 'felonious fellows' meeting! hehe i love the way mr. burns speaks and you really capture that with that "drier than a jolly caucus race" bit haha. i'd say this chapter was..eeeeexcellent!
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:iconnevuela:
Nevuela Featured By Owner May 12, 2012
Hehehe thanks again! I've been watching the Simpsons for so damn long (since the very first episode) that I can hear most character's voices in my head better than my own. They've become second nature to me. ^___^
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:iconclazombie:
clazombie Featured By Owner Feb 26, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Genial!;-)
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:iconnevuela:
Nevuela Featured By Owner Feb 26, 2012
Hehe, thanx.
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:iconbeastchicky:
beastchicky Featured By Owner Feb 25, 2012
lol talking palm tree XD
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:iconnevuela:
Nevuela Featured By Owner Feb 25, 2012
^_______^
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:iconbluetigress94:
BlueTigress94 Featured By Owner Feb 21, 2012  Student General Artist
:clap: :clap:
:XD: I love it..."Smithers it's talking to me"
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:iconnevuela:
Nevuela Featured By Owner Feb 21, 2012
Hehehe, thanks. :D
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:iconbluetigress94:
BlueTigress94 Featured By Owner Feb 22, 2012  Student General Artist
welcome XD
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:iconprincesskatlissa:
PrincessKatLissa Featured By Owner Feb 21, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I finally came around to read it, it is amazing!

"I wouldn't trust an applicant WITHOUT a criminal record" - that's the best thing I ever heard, I believe from this day on I shall take that advise :XD:
Reply
:iconnevuela:
Nevuela Featured By Owner Feb 21, 2012
LOL thanks! You just know that in this day and age, someone without a record either has something to hide, or they're just too soft to be evil. :D
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:iconprincesskatlissa:
PrincessKatLissa Featured By Owner Feb 21, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Hmm...you are right! And no one wants softies working for them or people with secrets...do YOU have one?! :iconbatmanplz:
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:iconnevuela:
Nevuela Featured By Owner Feb 21, 2012
That's for me to know and you NEVER to find out! XD
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:iconprincesskatlissa:
PrincessKatLissa Featured By Owner Feb 21, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
We'll see about that soon enough :iconburnsplz:
Reply
:iconnevuela:
Nevuela Featured By Owner Feb 21, 2012
LOL now THAT'S an evil icon! XD
Reply
:iconafrahkhan:
afrahkhan Featured By Owner Feb 21, 2012
BTW LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE THE PIC,I LOVE THE FACIAL EXPRESSIONS AND BODY LANGUAGE USED IN THIS,IT'S BRILLIANT! NIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICE ONE!
Reply
:iconnevuela:
Nevuela Featured By Owner Feb 21, 2012
:iconburnsexcellentplz: Oh do you? :evillaugh:
Reply
:iconafrahkhan:
afrahkhan Featured By Owner Feb 21, 2012
OH DEFINETLY! WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?
Reply
:iconafrahkhan:
afrahkhan Featured By Owner Feb 21, 2012
MR BURNS AND SIDESHOW BOB WILL AMKE THE PERFECT TEAM! SORRY SMITHERS!
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:iconnevuela:
Nevuela Featured By Owner Feb 21, 2012
Perhaps TOO perfect! :D
Reply
:iconafrahkhan:
afrahkhan Featured By Owner Feb 21, 2012
OH YEAH DEFINETLY! BUT TO BE HONSET SIDESHOW BOB AND CECIL MAKE THE PERFECT EVIL PAIRING SINCE THEY ARE ORIGINAL!
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:iconnevuela:
Nevuela Featured By Owner Feb 21, 2012
Yup. It's in their evil genes!
Reply
:iconafrahkhan:
afrahkhan Featured By Owner Feb 21, 2012
DEFINETLY!THEY BOTH HAVE 2 THINGS IN COMMON:THEY ARE EVIL AND THEY ARE DEVILISHLY HANDSOME!!!
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:iconnevuela:
Nevuela Featured By Owner Feb 21, 2012
Agreed!
Reply
:iconafrahkhan:
afrahkhan Featured By Owner Feb 21, 2012
LOL! PLEASE DO MORE SIDESHOW BOB AND CECIL TOGETHER! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE! DON'T MAKE ME BEG!
Reply
:iconnevuela:
Nevuela Featured By Owner Feb 21, 2012
Don't worry, I will! Just don't expect to see Cecil in this story. I really can't fit him into it.
Reply
(1 Reply)
:iconalicetiger:
Alicetiger Featured By Owner Feb 21, 2012
Awwww, Mr.Burns and Smithers, my two favorite characters:love:!
Reply
:iconnevuela:
Nevuela Featured By Owner Feb 21, 2012
Hehehe. ^__^ Mr. Burns has long been one of my faves too. The writers give him some of the best jokes, being so old and all.
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