Phoebe died last night. I buried her at dawn. A couple of hours ago, my black cat, Lucy, was found dead on the sidewalk out front, cause unknown. Neighbors helped bury her. The ground here is so hard, it was difficult enough digging a rat-sized hole on my own earlier.
A lot of pets have passed this year. I haven't cried for any of them, not since Ezekiel two years ago. I just feel nothing now. Not even numbness. It's like hearing that a neighbor's pet died instead. I loved all of them, but it literally feels like I am incapable of feeling grief. I didn't even cry when the man who was like a father to me unexpectedly passed away last year. I was only shocked. Not sad.
Over time I've come to feel sad, and I do miss him very much. I miss everyone, human and animal. It's weird to not feel anything, like someone flipped a switch inside me that literally turns off certain emotions.